A guide to conquering the world, one cup at a time.
It’s Monday morning. You wake up in a foggy haze after hitting snooze for the thirteenth time. You spent the entire night tossing and turning, restless and irritable – the epitome of the “Sunday Scaries.”
Summoning some sort of dark magic, you manage to roll out of bed and drag yourself toward the shower. You catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror, and contemplate auditioning for the role of a “walker” on AMC’s The Walking Dead.
After you manage to dress yourself, you gaze into your smartphone and realize the universe has decided to single you out today. Your calendar shows meeting, after meeting, after meeting. You are certain you will not survive. At this point, you begin Googling your symptoms: headache, nausea, dizziness and lethargy. The search results confirm your fears – you’re definitely dying of a rare, incurable disease.
Stumbling toward the kitchen for your last meal, you see it – just there, on the countertop – basking in a luminous ray of sunshine and happiness, waiting patiently for you. Is this a coffee pot, or divine intervention? As you pour half a bag of premium ground coffee into the filter, the aroma beings to awaken your senses – slowly, but surely.
Drip, drip, drip. Your cup fills as the anticipation kills.
Finally, a glorious beep – it’s ready. You take one sip and BAM! Your rare disease is miraculously cured, and will to live restored! You zoom out the door, ready to conquer the world and make Monday cower in fear – NOTHING CAN STOP YOU NOW!
So, how do you get the most bang for your cup?
Drink Small Amounts Frequently
All of you 24-oz morning cuppers out there may roll your eyes at this fact, but it is, in fact, a fact. That the more frequently you drink small doses of caffeine, the more likely you will stay and feel caffeinated. Drinking one cup of coffee per hour is the most effective caffeine routine. Hashtag caffeine routine.
Tedious Tasks Won’t Solve All the World’s Problems
As you probably know, caffeine won’t suddenly turn you into Albert Einstein, and it certainly won’t help you brainstorm ways to save the world from the zombie apocalypse (just go audition, already!). However, it will give you the energy to accomplish small, tedious tasks faster than you would without caffeine. Think more along the lines of fighting zombies in combat (go for the head).
Blonde Beans Have More Fun
The lighter the roast, the higher the caffeine content. As a bean is roasted and becomes a darker color, some of its energy effects are burned off. Less roastage = more caffeinage. Most people assume that a dark roast has more caffeine, because of its name and context. However, don’t be fooled – the next time you must decide between a brunette and blonde, go for the blond… bean, of course!
Get Your Grind On
Grinding is good for you! The more you grind your coffee beans, the more caffeine is produced. Opt for finely ground coffee beans to get the most out of your cup. If you’re grinding at home, simply spend a few more minutes grinding than usual, and you should notice a big difference!
Stay caffeinated friends.
